A parent's worst nightmare. Dec 15, 2012

Where do I even start!!! I can’t believe it has been about 10 months since I last wrote a post. What a crazy year it has been!
December has been an emotional roller coaster month since 2005 due to the loss of my daughter Arena that year and her EDD of Dec 28th 2005. Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year but the last 4 yrs or so have been particularly difficult, not only because of the mixed emotions of missing my baby girl but due to many other factors too.

Copyright of Michael Cry. Thank you my dear friend for allowing me to use this beautiful image.

What prompted me to write today though is something that happened yesterday. A very sick man (how else could you do such atrocity) killed his mother in her residence and then went on a killing spree at the Elementary School where she was a teacher, shooting to death 20 children and several adults before killing himself. Ironically I had decided to keep my kids at home yesterday since it was the last day of school before Christmas break, it was half a day and they had already had their Christmas party.  Now I think of those parents who kissed their kids goodbye yesterday morning, not knowing it would be the last time they would see their children healthy and smiling, alive…… The loss of any child is a hard thing to accept and to cope with no matter at what stage of their life they were lost to us. No pain is bigger from one parent to another they are just different. Some people might think that loosing a child that you have shared years with is more painful than loosing one as an infant or during pregnancy. To those that think that, they have not experience the loos of a child and I hope they never have to.

Loosing a child to death, no matter the reason or at what age is always unexpected, always a shock and never something you get over….you just learn to live with it over time, you learn how to cope with the loss, you never stop hurting or mourning it. You learn to go on, and you are even able to experience happiness and enjoy life as you go but there will always be ache in your heart, there will always be that part of you that keeps it in check and rather unexpectedly lets the pain and sorrow come to the surface, and it feels as fresh and hurtful as the day it first happened. And this might happen less often as time goes by but it never ceases to exist.

There was one day not too long ago when my 11 yr. old daughter Estrella and I had an argument in the morning and through the time we were waiting for the school bus, she left the car in a cloud of anger without a kiss and a hug like we do every morning, leaving me frustrated and upset. This bothered me all day long! What if something happened to her and that was our last moment together? Or worst, what if something happened to me and that was our last moment together? Would she live with guilt, would she now it was just a moment that didn’t mean anything in the big picture, that I love her no matter what, that I would die for her, that she could never do anything that would make me not love her, that she brought so much happiness and blessings to my life, that she is one of the most amazing gifts God has ever given me.

I might have been considered over protective and paranoid at one time or another but the more that this types of events occur the more clear it is that I am neither. I’m simply a mami that loves her children with all her heart and wishes to protect them from evil acts that make no sense, that wants them to have a chance at a life, to have a chance to make mistakes, to learn from them, to grow, to build memories, to experience all sorts of things, to have their own family one day. And if that’s being over protective and paranoid then I am guilty of such and I have no shame for it!

I have suffered the loss of a child and I never held her, I never heard her laugh, I never heard her call me mami, I never got to put her to sleep in my arms, sing her a lullaby, tickle her, kiss her while she slept, play peek a boo, see her take a first step, go to her first day of school. I’ll never see her come out all dressed up as young woman for her Quincea~era (equivalent of Sweet sixteen tradition but the Latin version which happens at 15), I will never see her graduate High School, get her first job, learn how to drive…..her life was cut off so shortly after it had started, her tiny body never even made it into this earth… and as I think about this and about my living children, I know if anything happened to any of them I would loose my mind with grief at least for a while…. I did back when I lost Arena and it was my 2 sons Arturo and David and my daughter Estrella that eventually made me snap out of my state of madness. She left such a void in me…the thought of loosing any of my other kids terrifies me.

My heart is breaking for all those parents, that lost their children in such a horrific way. I pray to God that the children died without much pain, that they were shown mercy by not even knowing what happened and I pray for all the other children that thankfully are still alive but must be so traumatized by this experience. May God heal their little hearts and minds. May God give the parents and the siblings of those gone strength to deal with this…… just to think that one of my kids could be in this situation and maybe wounded, dying, feeling terrified and in pain and me not being there to hold them, for them to not be alone…the thought of it is enough to make cry and make my heart ache.

I also feel deep sorrow for the families of the adults that perished in this. someone lost their parent , or child, aunt, sister/brother, wife/husband …I do not know the particulars but this teachers were someone important to someone else and their loss is equally devastating.
It is a beautiful world, and there is much to be thankful for and to enjoy but there is also much darkness and this senseless things will continue to happen. It is our job to bring light into the world as darkness can not be fought with darkness, nor hate with hate, so be a beacon of light, spread love, teach the value of human life, help develop everyday coping skills, positive outlets to conflict and negative emotions. We can not eradicate all evil acts but we can sure try to minimize them. Pay attention, look beyond your own little bubble once in a while. And always tell your children you love them no matter how angry or irritated they are making you because you never know when it will be the last time you were able to tell them so.