If only I knew….Who would I be?

      "If only I knew then what I know now" Is a phrase I have heard a lot through life and that even I have spoken quite a few times... But, as I reflect on that today, I come to the conclusion that if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't be who I am today. I would had not walked the same path that brought me here.

    There are things I am not proud of, like everybody, I am far from perfect. And then there are things of which I am really proud.  Would I had accomplished those things I am proud off without going through the tribulations?  Probably  yes on some and maybe not in others. There is much to be learned from our mistakes , our struggles, our falls, our failures. Is all about what we take away from them and what we do from then on. 

    I’m pretty much halfway through my life and I find myself going through a re-birth of sorts. The last 3 years have been extraordinary in both a very difficult , painful way and amazingly positive growth of faith, , discovery of strength I didn’t think I had in me, blessings from unexpected places and slowly  (and still ongoing) discovering who am I and what is my calling.

    One thing has always been clear through all my adult life. The day I became a mother I knew that would be my  #1 reason for everything in my life if not for ever, for a very long time. My why. As I grew older I surprised myself with how much happiness I derived from being a mother to my children. It is not that  I didn’t think I would, I just didn’t think I would so much I would end up having 6 children. Getting through the pain and fear of miscarriage, to have 3 more kids after the loss of Arena.
 

     Of course there are other things that motivate me and drive me. My passions, the part of me that remains an individual with dreams and desires. This things have always revolved around some form of fitness and healthy ways of living both  physically and spiritually,  that are tied to creativity and expression. Dancing, photography, working out, eating right, feeding the soul with positive reinforcement, feeling great energy flow through the moves in freedom to the music, the view through the camera lens, the ink on to the paper.

     At times my purpose has been clear and I am happy that I had the opportunity to live those dreams and to bring happiness to people’s lives by teaching them and helping them realize one of their dreams. For helping them come out of their shell, increase their confidence, add some spark, beauty and fun to their lives . I am grateful for what they brought into my life, their trust in me, the friendships, the laughs, the applause, their support, their love.

     Now I find myself still very much in line with my purpose as a mother but not totally clear in what it is I am supposed to do in the world otherwise. I’m in the cocoon stage, looking on the inside, designing, shaping, growing. I’m not sure what the butterfly is going to look like or where it is going to fly to yet, but I know it is in the process of finding it’s master plan.  This is my re-birth and I am looking forward to the second half of my life with hope, enthusiasm, a positive outlook, lots of energy, plenty of love, and leaving a trail of sunshine in the world!