What Really Counts Parenting 101 (Jan 2012)

I just watched a most wonderful movie. It made me cry and it made me smile. When the movie was over I thought to myself “I need to write about this in my blog”. For a good 5 minutes I looked in vain for my eye glasses until I realized they were on my head. I had pushed them off to the top of my head when I went to rub my eyes and massage my temple as I had a bad headache. I wear bifocals but my long vision is not as in much need as my near one so I totally forgot to put them back down and kept watching the movie.
I needed to get my laptop, since I had left it on my desk in the living room. I clumsily stumbled over the area rug, I forgot it was there, I only put it there two days ago. It would had helped if I had turned on the light first. I grabbed my laptop forgetting the mouse was connected. Yes, I was a Ballerina and a Ballroom dancer and yet I manage to be totally clumsy and scatter brain sometimes.
Anyways, I managed to make it back to my bedroom with the lap top, the mouse, a half full can of Coke and a brownie. Have I mentioned before I am a confessed chocoholic? So now ready with my late night snack (very unhealthy I know, but hey, we all deserve a little indulgence once in a while) I am finally ready to get to the task at hand.
The movie is an old movie with Sean Penn and Michelle Phifer, I Am Sam. My mother or my sister had given it to me as a Christmas present years ago and for some unknown reason I had never watched it. Right now with my lack of TV and internet and nights that start too early, I have gotten into the habit of reading or watching a DVD in bed after I put the kids to bed. It helps me relax and go to sleep.
The movie is about a father with a disability. He has a degree of Autism and the intellect of a 6 year old. Under unknown circumstances he impregnated a woman that ran away the moment they left the hospital with his daughter, leaving him to raise her. Everything was going good with the aid of his neighbor until his daughter was about to turn 7 and he gets erroneously arrested for soliciting prostitution. He really wasn’t, watch the movie. Anyhow child services gets involved and the movie is about his battle to be able to keep his daughter.
I do not want to spoil the movie if you are really interested in watching, but let me say I strongly recommend it. As parents there are times we obsess about what we should give our children, their academics, and a million things we are supposed to provide. But when it comes down to it, the one thing they need the most is our love. Even in the craziest of days when we think we don’t have an iota of patience left, when we feel we have no clue how to deal with something, when we feel like pulling our hair in frustration it all comes down to giving and showing them love, taking the time to really listen to them.
We are human beings therefore we are not perfect, we don’t have all the answers. Life, circumstances are constantly changing, and not only that, but every child is different. What may have applied to one might not apply to another, what works with one may not work with another. I have been raising 6 children in the last 21 years and I still get stumped sometimes and think “wow, I never had to deal with this before”. But the one thing that is universal, is love.
If we constantly show our children love, there is hardly a mistake, an outburst, a momentarily lack of attention, a non pleasant show of authority (aka no, you can not eat candy for breakfast etc.) that a child wont get over if you constantly show them love. On occasion I have felt like I had been a lousy mother and it never ceases to amaze me when my kids tell me often what a great mom I am. I am glad they feel that way. I know is not because I am perfect, God knows I am far from it. I know is not because I wrote the book on parenting, like most I have gone by what I was taught by my own mother’s actions, by my morals and judgment on what I think is best for them and by the seat of my pants. Specially during the last two years when my life was drastically changing, my personal emotional life was rather stormy and there were days I was so distraught inside and exhausted I thought I could not go on. There was one thing that kept me going and that was my children , my love for them and their love for me. My youngest was totally dependent on me as a newborn, I knew she needed not only her physical needs met but also to feel loved, safe. When the separation came all of them needed it more than ever. With all the changes they needed to feel and know mami was the same mami as always. I confess, some days it was very difficult to be that way, I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry like a baby. Some days my patience was very limited, my smile forced and the tears barely held at bay. But they had a good base. The love shown to them through the years, having the strength and humility to say “I’m sorry” when I snapped or was unjust, to admit when I was wrong all show them I love them too. It also teaches them that just because sometimes we get angry at each other or are disappointed doesn’t mean we stop loving each other. Teaches them to look at the bigger picture.
Another thing I found this movie illustrates is that is impossible for us to provide everything on our own. A good “support system’, circle of love if you will, is extremely beneficial to them. My kids are very blessed to have this. Their father and I are not together but they have a father who is present in their lives. It hasn’t been easy sometimes but we have been able to put our differences to the side to be parents, we can share times with the kids together too, not just apart. It shows the kids, we are not the same family we were but we are still the same parents they always had who love them and care for them. Sure they would be ok with just me if their dad had nothing to do with them but no matter what I did I could never give them what he as a father gives them, same as he can’t give them what I as a mother do. That’s why we have work on being their parents first and foremost after all we both love them and there is no point in letting our personal issues get in the way of that. They also have family members and friends in the circle. Why is this so beneficial? Because all this people that love them have something unique to bring to their lives that no other could. When we recognize this and allow others to be part of our children’s life we enrich it.
So when you feel at your wits ends, remember that some moments,some circumstances, some mistakes are ok and they will come out alright if they have constant love not just in our hearts but shown to them . Children have an amazing capacity to forgive and to see past the “cover of the book”. And remember, like I said before none of us are super parents … but we can be imperfectly perfect parents to our children : )